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Ende Katha...The story of the past three years of my life...

The killer truck comes into my dreams many times...it's been like this for almost three years. Yes , it's been two years and ten months since Aru died and that day is as fresh as it has happened today..

The blood soaked shirt worn by the boy and the finger nails caked by blood are the first things that come to my mind when I see blood.
People will laugh at me...I am a pathologist who cannot see blood today.
I vomit.
I need to do urgent blood tests on myself and I have not been doing them for three years now..
How have I changed? Multiple ways. I am not the same person I was.
Enthusiastic to learn new things, reading up on new technologies, reading..laughing and cracking jokes..I cannot do any of that now.

I am scared all the time for the life of my son, my husband , my brothers niece and nephew. I was an anxious person always. My daughter unfortunately inherited this trait for me. We worried about our loved ones..not ourselves. Initially I worried because such things happened..But now I know that such things can happen to me..
Aru and I, worried about others.. We looked after others, not ourselves..

This is the very reason Aru sat on that bike, a sports bike which I think should be used by only ONE person. Also each one should seriously think about the terrain he/ she is going to ride. These machines are not called mean machine for no reason. They pack a mean power..power which cannot be controlled..power that can kill.

Yesterday the dream was very clear..it was as though I knew exactly what happened..to Aru. My dream unfolded thus..

I am on a bike..i tower above the rider..it is blue around me..I don't know whether it is the sky or not..suddenly the blue becomes stones mud and ground. The neck impacts..I can't move..it's pain..I don't know where the pain is originating from...I panic..I think of myself..Aru..Sanjay.Anuj...my mother and father and all faces blur in one. I deparatelty try to avoid the truck..I am below..I try to move from side to side..I can't..I can't move...there is pain..the wheels close on me..the left wheels ...I scream..in at that instance ..I see Aru's wedding saree..Sanjay and Anuj at the door of Talegaon wedding hall..I see Aru's Gold medals flying..there is excruciating pain and I shut my eyes..Aaiee ..the scream is frozen in my mouth..somewhere a tumbler of of water which is raised by a hand...that hand too, is mine...falls down..

My mouth is slightly open..my legs twisted..

I, shubhsngi get up screaming..

Was this my daughter showing me what happened?
Because in my dream yesterday, it was me below the truck..
I wish it was really me...and my daughter was alive.

So many things have changed. Nothing happens smoothly..whether it a bloody passport ...or the son getting into the college of his choice ..or health of the three of us..

just hate the irresponsible driver..I just hate him. If there is Karma , then he should pay in this life..I haven't punished him..the investigation was all botched..just an FIR with no action. There is no statement from him..
I just know his name..the number of the vehicle which was released in one month and the name of the owner..that too thru an RTI we filed.
I want to curse him..but being a mother..and knowing the pain of the death of a child..I cannot..

I want everyone to know this one fact.
No driver is the best driver..no road is the best road..no person is safe..
My daughters death is merely a statistic for all except us..Statistics don't and won't matter to you. Neighther will my daughters death. She might have been ' like a daughter' to some. But bottom line is she WAS NOT their daughter. And it showed soon enough.,
Not until your beloved friend or family member becomes that statistic will you understand.
And remember. People will support and mourn with you for twelve days..maybe six months..and then everybody will move on..
This is a horrible journey. It changes everything for the family.
Families once tightly knit are destroyed completely.
Society only tells one to be strong and move on. That is because none has the time or inclination to support people who have lost their children. It's so scary that everyone leaves your side. And so many grieving parents try to show how philosophical and strong they are to the world. I really don't know what compulsions make them to ' pretend' about the spirituality..I seriously doubt if they can be..
For if you follow them closely..you will definitely see the cracks in the veneer..the way they try and fool themselves..
Heaven...who has seen it? Have you? Rebirth...who has seen it have you?
Eternal union with the departed child..who has seen it..
These are merely tools used to survive.
I don't want to any longer.
My world has fallen apart..my soul is torn apart..
My faith is gone..because all kinds things.
Promises unkept..words given as lip service. Relations as fragile as threads..all knotted and ripped apart.
Be careful..it is the ' educated' like you and me who drive drunk ( I know some relatives who do) It is educated people like you and me who use the cell phones while driving. It is the ' educated ' like you and me who jump signals and encourage underage children to drive.
I have lost my beautiful world for no fault of my family..
Take care of yours.
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